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Important: You Must Follow All These Steps in the Precise Order to Obtain Your iPhone. Failure to Do So Will mean Being Denied Entry To the Kingdom of Jobs
1. Take a number from the iPhone number dispenser at the front of the store.
2. Proceed to the Coolness Evaluation Station. There you will be evaluated on your dress, appearance, and general coolness to determine whether you are worthy of having an iPhone. Among the criteria: A.) If you have a goatee, you may not have an iPhone. Those are so last year. B.) If you are a white man with Chinese or Japanese symbols tattooed on any part of your body, AND you can’t read the language it’s written in, you may not have an iPhone. Poseurs are so lame. C.) If you are wearing a NASCAR shirt, a mullet, or carrying a can of Skoal, no iPhone for you, Cletus. D.) If you’ve ever owned, or even touched, a Zune, you may not have an iPhone. What’s wrong with you? Finally, E. Any woman carrying a small dog with her as a fashion accessory may not have an iPhone. Get a life, Princess.
3. If you have passed the Coolness Test, you may proceed to the Icon of Jobs in the center of the store. Kiss it thrice and ask for Jobs to bless your purchase.
4. After kissing the Jobs icon, proceed to iPod/iPhone Acclimation station, where your iPod and your iPhone will be introduced to each other to see if their personalities’ are compatible. If you have forgotten to bring your iPod, you may, at the acolytes’ discression, buy a new one.
5. Finally, proceed to the Wallet Weighing Checkout station. Your wallet will be weighed, and must weigh more than a feather, but less than a duck. If it passes these tests, your wallet will be taken and you will be allowed to have your iPhone. No, you may not have your wallet back. Your bank will be able to issue you new credit cards.