Today’s Science Experiment

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Today’s Experiment: Does what you eat have an effect on running and exercise? Please read all the way through, as the results are simply astounding!

  • Sample: Two Central Park Loop Runs, both run by me, two days apart

  • Controls:
    • Central Park located in New York City during both runs
    • Same sneakers
    • My hair looked good on both days
    • Apart from the remix of “Since You’ve Been Gone,” every other Kelly Clarkson song still sucks as a running song.

DATA:

  • Run one: 7pm, Monday, July 16th, 2007.
  • Run completed after long day of work.
    • Food eaten prior to run 1:
      • Protein Bars (3)
      • Tuna Fish in Water (3 oz)
      • Four liters of Water
  • Run one: Completed in 50 minutes, 46 seconds.

  • Run Two
  • Run completed after previous day of meetings in Boston, driving up and back in one day, leaving at 3:45am, returning home at 9:30pm
    • Food eaten prior to run 2:
      • Two Milky Way Bars (for sugar energy on drive home to prevent driving into tree)
      • One ½ pound of Combos Pizza Flavored Snack (see “Milky Way Bars”)
      • One McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (see “Milky Way Bars”)
      • Four liters of Diet Pepsi (see “Milky Way Bars”)
      • Two liters of Diet Coke (see “Milky Way Bars”)
  • Run two: Completed in 56 minutes, 19 seconds.

CONCLUSIONS:

·        EATING “JUNK FOOD” INCREASES LENGTH OF CENTRAL PARK LOOP

o       This was truly my most amazing discovery. It’s obvious that the food I ate somehow made the entire Central Park loop longer – by as much as four tenth’s of a mile! This truly requires further study

·        “Nougat” does nothing to increase speed or agility.

o       Despite claims made by Nougat proponents, Nougat in no way increased my speed or agility. Even with the new “more humane” ways of Nougat farming, it would seem that these poor baby Nougats are indeed being killed for nothing. For years it was claimed that adding only live Nougats to chocolate would increase speed and agility, and now, that myth is blown wide open. Therefore, it would seem that there is no need to continue killing millions of Nougats a year when synthetic versions are in fact available.

·        I was in fact, not “Loving it.”

o       Despite McDonald’s claim that “I’m loving it,” the feelings for my second run were anything but. Even fifteen hours later, I felt queasy, and by mile five, was visualizing committing bodily harm on Grimace. Further work needs to be done to prove whether or not Mayor McCheese has knowingly been aware of the severity of the ring of lies.

I must say, I was blown away by the results of my experiment. Based on my initial results, I’m now looking for funding to find out if other kinds of foods increase the sizes of public parks, and if in fact this works on other objects, like bank accounts, Scrabble words, and parachute landing areas.

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