You tell her that evil and good exist in a balance, and that terrible things happen so that she can know who the true heroes are around her – and perhaps be one herself.
You tell her that evil and good exist in a balance, and that terrible things happen so that she can know who the true heroes are around her – and perhaps be one herself.
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
I began to draft my reply, but read through and found yours. You have perfectly wrote what I feel. My kids are 6 and 7. They are not aware of what happened today. They understand that bad people exist, but in a “stranger danger” sort of way.
There is no reason to rush their maturity. I absolutely cherish their blissful innocence. Thanks Jenni.
Peter, welcome to fatherhood (soon). It’s the best ride of your life. My life has never been better than it has since my two monkeys entered it. Enjoy the ride.
When Newtown happened, it was the first horrible thing I’d experienced since becoming a mother. I really struggled with how to deal with it, because I felt like I owed it to my kids to be honest with them. And I will be honest with them…later. But for now, we will stick with blissful innocence.
I think this is an excellent reply. On 9/11, I lived on Boylston Street on the same block as the second explosion today, so today’s events are literally too close to home. Then, I was days from getting married. Now, I live in the ‘burbs and I have a child who is old enough to ask… and who must be told because he’s old enough that he will hear about it in school anyway. And what was true in Newtown was true today:
#1 Turn off the TV. Then say…
Yes, there are bad people in the world. Fortunately, there are not a lot of them and things like this, however tragic, are rare. Mommy and Daddy do everything we can to keep you safe from them. It’s our job.
Then find some other diversion. Take advantage of the child’s short attention span that you would otherwise complain about.
And worry. Worry about them at school all day. Worry the first time they take a bike ride without you there. Worry about that first date. Worry because that’s your job too. But don’t let them see you worry.
Congratulations on your impending baby! It’s a great ride.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
I began to draft my reply, but read through and found yours. You have perfectly wrote what I feel. My kids are 6 and 7. They are not aware of what happened today. They understand that bad people exist, but in a “stranger danger” sort of way.
There is no reason to rush their maturity. I absolutely cherish their blissful innocence. Thanks Jenni.
Peter, welcome to fatherhood (soon). It’s the best ride of your life. My life has never been better than it has since my two monkeys entered it. Enjoy the ride.
When Newtown happened, it was the first horrible thing I’d experienced since becoming a mother. I really struggled with how to deal with it, because I felt like I owed it to my kids to be honest with them. And I will be honest with them…later. But for now, we will stick with blissful innocence.
I think this is an excellent reply. On 9/11, I lived on Boylston Street on the same block as the second explosion today, so today’s events are literally too close to home. Then, I was days from getting married. Now, I live in the ‘burbs and I have a child who is old enough to ask… and who must be told because he’s old enough that he will hear about it in school anyway. And what was true in Newtown was true today:
#1 Turn off the TV. Then say…
Yes, there are bad people in the world. Fortunately, there are not a lot of them and things like this, however tragic, are rare. Mommy and Daddy do everything we can to keep you safe from them. It’s our job.
Then find some other diversion. Take advantage of the child’s short attention span that you would otherwise complain about.
And worry. Worry about them at school all day. Worry the first time they take a bike ride without you there. Worry about that first date. Worry because that’s your job too. But don’t let them see you worry.
Congratulations on your impending baby! It’s a great ride.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
Yep, hope for the best and prepare for the worst is exactly right. 7 or 8 is the hardest age – old enough to ask questions and will hear about it at school but not mature enough to understand the details. I usually generalize events since I don’t want them having nightmares about a shooter at their school, a bomb in their city, etc.
Honestly, religion plays a big role here. I tell them it is a scary world out there but we believe God is in charge and that can bring us peace. All we can do is live a good life, help others, and try to make smart, safe decisions. Bad things do happen to good people because we all have the freedom of choice, and bad people make bad choices.
Yep, hope for the best and prepare for the worst is exactly right. 7 or 8 is the hardest age – old enough to ask questions and will hear about it at school but not mature enough to understand the details. I usually generalize events since I don’t want them having nightmares about a shooter at their school, a bomb in their city, etc.
Honestly, religion plays a big role here. I tell them it is a scary world out there but we believe God is in charge and that can bring us peace. All we can do is live a good life, help others, and try to make smart, safe decisions. Bad things do happen to good people because we all have the freedom of choice, and bad people make bad choices.
After 9/11, I decided that we wouldn’t live in fear. We live life to the fullest, without regrets. I’ve always told my children that they have to make good decisions – be good, do good. It’s hard though, there is a quote about having children means having your heart on the outside of your body. So true!
After 9/11, I decided that we wouldn’t live in fear. We live life to the fullest, without regrets. I’ve always told my children that they have to make good decisions – be good, do good. It’s hard though, there is a quote about having children means having your heart on the outside of your body. So true!
I know! SO scary! But we cant let them win… I think your friend CC is right! We can use these tragedies to love and appreciate our children EVEN more!! You’re gonna be THE BEST Daddy Peter!!
I know! SO scary! But we cant let them win… I think your friend CC is right! We can use these tragedies to love and appreciate our children EVEN more!! You’re gonna be THE BEST Daddy Peter!!
You support her no matter what. You let her know that life is filled with choices, and if its light it’s right. You fill her head with beauty and laughter, and you don’t let the smelly shit permeate your home. That’s her safe place. So shut off the news and have discussions about how you can help create a better world and what wonderful possibilities are available. You , Peter Shankman , you will be a great father.
You support her no matter what. You let her know that life is filled with choices, and if its light it’s right. You fill her head with beauty and laughter, and you don’t let the smelly shit permeate your home. That’s her safe place. So shut off the news and have discussions about how you can help create a better world and what wonderful possibilities are available. You , Peter Shankman , you will be a great father.
I felt the same way after 9/11 when I held my then 6 month old grandson and wondered what kind of world he would grow up in. Coincidentally, at almost 12 years old, he is staying with me this week while his mom, my daughter, is away. Together we listened to NPR reports of the tragedy and he worried about my sister who lives in Cambridge. She is not a runner I assured him. I don’t have answers for him about yet another senseless act in our country. Only questions.
I felt the same way after 9/11 when I held my then 6 month old grandson and wondered what kind of world he would grow up in. Coincidentally, at almost 12 years old, he is staying with me this week while his mom, my daughter, is away. Together we listened to NPR reports of the tragedy and he worried about my sister who lives in Cambridge. She is not a runner I assured him. I don’t have answers for him about yet another senseless act in our country. Only questions.
Mostly you explain as little as you can – cover the big points, but skip the details. You tell them that a bad thing happened, that people got hurt and that a lot of people are sad about it.
Then you ask the folks at the restaurant to please turn off the TVs on the room where they seat the families so the kids won’t be exposed to the graphic media coverage. My kids are 4 and 7. After Sandy Hook, we only watched Disney, Nick & Netflix for over a week unless the kids were out of the house or asleep.
Young kids often don’t have enough context to process these types of things (thankfully). My 7 year old read a TV screen & asked about it. I said that a bomb went off in Boston and that a lot of people got hurt. My 4 year old responded with “but bombs aren’t real”. His exposure to bombs and bad guys usually involves super heroes – he’s blissfully ignorant of the real world implications.
Follow your kid’s lead. I’ve found that mine rarely ask a follow up question if they don’t need more information. The one sentence answer will likely satisfy them and they’ll move on to the next topic – like can
I have chocolate milk with dinner (definitely not).
Mostly you explain as little as you can – cover the big points, but skip the details. You tell them that a bad thing happened, that people got hurt and that a lot of people are sad about it.
Then you ask the folks at the restaurant to please turn off the TVs on the room where they seat the families so the kids won’t be exposed to the graphic media coverage. My kids are 4 and 7. After Sandy Hook, we only watched Disney, Nick & Netflix for over a week unless the kids were out of the house or asleep.
Young kids often don’t have enough context to process these types of things (thankfully). My 7 year old read a TV screen & asked about it. I said that a bomb went off in Boston and that a lot of people got hurt. My 4 year old responded with “but bombs aren’t real”. His exposure to bombs and bad guys usually involves super heroes – he’s blissfully ignorant of the real world implications.
Follow your kid’s lead. I’ve found that mine rarely ask a follow up question if they don’t need more information. The one sentence answer will likely satisfy them and they’ll move on to the next topic – like can
I have chocolate milk with dinner (definitely not).
Thank you for writing this. At 6 months pregnant, I was having very similar thoughts today and appreciate reading the advice in the other comments. What a sad day …
Thank you for writing this. At 6 months pregnant, I was having very similar thoughts today and appreciate reading the advice in the other comments. What a sad day …
Be sure you tell her yourself. That way you can frame the message, ensure you can tell her a million times that you love her, that not everyone in the world is like that. Focus on the heroes, first responders, those who are opening their homes, giving blood, providing leads. Hug, hug, hug again. It’s going to hurt her but if you are the one telling her, you are the one who can ease her pain. Listen to her, answer her questions as honestly as you can. And trust me, if you don’t tell her others will. I was sure to tell my 10 and 8 yr old about new town but waited too long today.
Be sure you tell her yourself. That way you can frame the message, ensure you can tell her a million times that you love her, that not everyone in the world is like that. Focus on the heroes, first responders, those who are opening their homes, giving blood, providing leads. Hug, hug, hug again. It’s going to hurt her but if you are the one telling her, you are the one who can ease her pain. Listen to her, answer her questions as honestly as you can. And trust me, if you don’t tell her others will. I was sure to tell my 10 and 8 yr old about new town but waited too long today.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
There isn’t anything you can truly say to them that will bring them total comfort is this evil world. All the advise i can give is just this : tell them everyday that you love them. Be there for them and dry their tears. Always be strong and fight for your family. Teach them about God and the love he has for us and that there is an unspeakable evil in this world and that’s why WE must be strong in the lord. Never lure to them when they come to you for answers if you don’t know then tell them that. If you are unsure let them know that. But Always ALWAYS love them deeply and they will give that in return. Children are sweet and innocent souls and that peter is why they come to us
when they don’t understand, because to them, we have all the knowledge in the universe ( until they become teenagers of course). I wish you the best and my God bless you with a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.
Missy
There isn’t anything you can truly say to them that will bring them total comfort is this evil world. All the advise i can give is just this : tell them everyday that you love them. Be there for them and dry their tears. Always be strong and fight for your family. Teach them about God and the love he has for us and that there is an unspeakable evil in this world and that’s why WE must be strong in the lord. Never lure to them when they come to you for answers if you don’t know then tell them that. If you are unsure let them know that. But Always ALWAYS love them deeply and they will give that in return. Children are sweet and innocent souls and that peter is why they come to us
when they don’t understand, because to them, we have all the knowledge in the universe ( until they become teenagers of course). I wish you the best and my God bless you with a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.
Missy
My daughter is 9; her dad died suddenly when she was six. She hears about 9/11 and we visit the local memorial. The Newtown tragedy is one I would have shielded her from, but it was too much in conversation. We don’t watch news. What I do is pray for victims and let her add her own prayers. Believing in God and hearing me pray for others to be comforted helps her (and me).
My daughter is 9; her dad died suddenly when she was six. She hears about 9/11 and we visit the local memorial. The Newtown tragedy is one I would have shielded her from, but it was too much in conversation. We don’t watch news. What I do is pray for victims and let her add her own prayers. Believing in God and hearing me pray for others to be comforted helps her (and me).
Oh Peter, I wanted to write the same post to my son who’s due in July, asking him to stay in the womb just a bit longer. That way I can keep him safe and protected from the horrors of people hurting others like we saw today, and three months ago in Newtown. I haven’t been emotional at all during this pregnancy, but today brings back that distinct sadness I felt watching and reading about Newtown. More than anything I want to teach my son about love, and that how it can conquer all despair and sadness with the Lord’s strength.
Oh Peter, I wanted to write the same post to my son who’s due in July, asking him to stay in the womb just a bit longer. That way I can keep him safe and protected from the horrors of people hurting others like we saw today, and three months ago in Newtown. I haven’t been emotional at all during this pregnancy, but today brings back that distinct sadness I felt watching and reading about Newtown. More than anything I want to teach my son about love, and that how it can conquer all despair and sadness with the Lord’s strength.
I’m sure I am not saying anything new but you know I have 3 kids 10, 7 and 4 and I am an educational consultant and I know you a long time. You need to see who your daughter is what she can handle. some kids are mature others are not. Some 4 year olds need to know everything and some 10 year olds have nightmares and can’t sleep at the slightest bit of terrible news. They need to be comfortable and you need to be comfortable with how much information your willing to discuss. Use your child’s cues and watch closely at body language and responses. End the conversation on comforting note (example below like how to help) and don’t push. You need to give them the information that the can handle at the time. I start off “something happened and I want to talk about it so you don’t get confused or get wrong information from friends or overhearing adults talking.” They are great eavesdroppers! You tell them that people got hurt today, in Boston and that you wanted them to know to please have those people and their families in your thoughts. Perhaps we will be able to know in a few days how we can help (this empowers and shows that they have control). For example in Newton we sent snowflakes to help decorate the children’s new school. For young children that may be enough information, if they question you can go deeper. Next, Sometimes adults don’t know how to behave even though they are adults. some adults, when they are angry do terrible things. they can hurt people and (my oldest I come right out- kill people) – that happened today. People were killed and we need to make sure we find out all the information we need before we know how, why and what happened. I want to let you know that mommy and I will always do our very best to keep you safe and to keep our family safe (Don’t lie and make it seem like no harm can ever come because it can, and you know it). Saying you do everything you can for your family to be safe is fair. I have a lot more to say but too tired to write. You know where to find me. And you know I will be a resource whenever you need me.
I’m sure I am not saying anything new but you know I have 3 kids 10, 7 and 4 and I am an educational consultant and I know you a long time. You need to see who your daughter is what she can handle. some kids are mature others are not. Some 4 year olds need to know everything and some 10 year olds have nightmares and can’t sleep at the slightest bit of terrible news. They need to be comfortable and you need to be comfortable with how much information your willing to discuss. Use your child’s cues and watch closely at body language and responses. End the conversation on comforting note (example below like how to help) and don’t push. You need to give them the information that the can handle at the time. I start off “something happened and I want to talk about it so you don’t get confused or get wrong information from friends or overhearing adults talking.” They are great eavesdroppers! You tell them that people got hurt today, in Boston and that you wanted them to know to please have those people and their families in your thoughts. Perhaps we will be able to know in a few days how we can help (this empowers and shows that they have control). For example in Newton we sent snowflakes to help decorate the children’s new school. For young children that may be enough information, if they question you can go deeper. Next, Sometimes adults don’t know how to behave even though they are adults. some adults, when they are angry do terrible things. they can hurt people and (my oldest I come right out- kill people) – that happened today. People were killed and we need to make sure we find out all the information we need before we know how, why and what happened. I want to let you know that mommy and I will always do our very best to keep you safe and to keep our family safe (Don’t lie and make it seem like no harm can ever come because it can, and you know it). Saying you do everything you can for your family to be safe is fair. I have a lot more to say but too tired to write. You know where to find me. And you know I will be a resource whenever you need me.
There is nothing you can do to protect her from this kind of tragedy any more than the parents in Connecticut could protect their children at school. Just hug her a lot and tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. No one can escape tragedy. It is part of life. Even if you are by her side every minute of every day – and it is impossible to do that – there will still be moments of extraordinary tragedy that have no logical explanation. Just enjoy every moment that you have and let her know that there is nothing more important to you than she is.
There is nothing you can do to protect her from this kind of tragedy any more than the parents in Connecticut could protect their children at school. Just hug her a lot and tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. No one can escape tragedy. It is part of life. Even if you are by her side every minute of every day – and it is impossible to do that – there will still be moments of extraordinary tragedy that have no logical explanation. Just enjoy every moment that you have and let her know that there is nothing more important to you than she is.
You tell her that there are horrible people on this world but there are good people too. That though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes the good outweighs the bad. And you tell her that you love her.
You tell her that there are horrible people on this world but there are good people too. That though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes the good outweighs the bad. And you tell her that you love her.
Peter, when the time comes so will the words. It isn’t easy but you will find your voice and a way to talk about the ugliness of the world. I was very young when JFK died. My mother struggled in her grief to find the words for me but find them she did. When my son was six a classmate of his was killed by her father (he actually killed the whole family and then himself). That his closer to home but although it was difficult the words came to me. You have a good heart. You will find the words to tell her about these things which strike deep at our collective hearts and minds.
Chel above is right. Always, always let your daughter know that you love her. That is so important.
Peter, when the time comes so will the words. It isn’t easy but you will find your voice and a way to talk about the ugliness of the world. I was very young when JFK died. My mother struggled in her grief to find the words for me but find them she did. When my son was six a classmate of his was killed by her father (he actually killed the whole family and then himself). That his closer to home but although it was difficult the words came to me. You have a good heart. You will find the words to tell her about these things which strike deep at our collective hearts and minds.
Chel above is right. Always, always let your daughter know that you love her. That is so important.
I just told my 7 year old son, after looking at some of the less gruesome pics, that it’s our job as parents to protect him from everything we can, but that there are crazy people out there who do bad things and there is no way of knowing when these things will happen. Then, you follow up with the biggest I love you that you’ve expressed in some time and pray to whomever (your higher power, if you have one) that this will never, ever happen to anyone you know and love. Then, you try to smile and tell yourself that the world is still ok. After all, we have to get up and go to work tomorrow and send our kids to school with the belief that everything will be alright.
I just told my 7 year old son, after looking at some of the less gruesome pics, that it’s our job as parents to protect him from everything we can, but that there are crazy people out there who do bad things and there is no way of knowing when these things will happen. Then, you follow up with the biggest I love you that you’ve expressed in some time and pray to whomever (your higher power, if you have one) that this will never, ever happen to anyone you know and love. Then, you try to smile and tell yourself that the world is still ok. After all, we have to get up and go to work tomorrow and send our kids to school with the belief that everything will be alright.
Great question Peter – and one I’m still working on with a son who just turned 6. We never let him see news and listen to a Christian radio station almost all the time he’s around. Even then, they do gingerly speak about the tragedies and then I quickly turn the channel. Tonight though he got mad that I turned the channel and I told him someone was really naughty and I didn’t want him to get scared. All we can do is what we think is best, pray for their safety and always give them lots of hugs and kisses.
Great question Peter – and one I’m still working on with a son who just turned 6. We never let him see news and listen to a Christian radio station almost all the time he’s around. Even then, they do gingerly speak about the tragedies and then I quickly turn the channel. Tonight though he got mad that I turned the channel and I told him someone was really naughty and I didn’t want him to get scared. All we can do is what we think is best, pray for their safety and always give them lots of hugs and kisses.
wait till she asks “but Daddy, why did God let that happen?”…The 2011 tsunami in Japan made my 8-year old an atheist (not that his dad would contradict him on that I admit).
wait till she asks “but Daddy, why did God let that happen?”…The 2011 tsunami in Japan made my 8-year old an atheist (not that his dad would contradict him on that I admit).
I understand what you’re feeling; it’s actually a decision you will face and make all throughout your daughter’s childhood. I know it has been w/my son (who was 8 when the 9/11 attacks took place.
The plain truth is it’s all about balance. You don’t want to protect your child from the cruelty in this world; you want to teach her how to deal with, and handle, it. Because, the fact is, this world is filled w/cruelties and injustices. If you shelter her from that, she won’t have any idea how to cope when she comes face to face w/it.
I understand what you’re feeling; it’s actually a decision you will face and make all throughout your daughter’s childhood. I know it has been w/my son (who was 8 when the 9/11 attacks took place.
The plain truth is it’s all about balance. You don’t want to protect your child from the cruelty in this world; you want to teach her how to deal with, and handle, it. Because, the fact is, this world is filled w/cruelties and injustices. If you shelter her from that, she won’t have any idea how to cope when she comes face to face w/it.
No matter how long we are parents or how much we know, it is always hard to explain events like these to children. I am a psychologist & have been helping children & adults deal with traumatic events since i began my career in Israel where war & terror have been a part of life for all parents. After helping people impacted by Newtown (through my work for Cigna), I called my adult children to check on my grandchildren. I then decided to use my experience & knowledge to rite a free resource for parents, When Bad Things Happen to Children. It can be downloaded at http://www.WakeUpAndDreamChallenge.com (look for the light blue download box to the left of the video about my other book), I hope it will help as many people as possible. Boston & our nation will need to heal & it will take time, but good people will finish 1st.
No matter how long we are parents or how much we know, it is always hard to explain events like these to children. I am a psychologist & have been helping children & adults deal with traumatic events since i began my career in Israel where war & terror have been a part of life for all parents. After helping people impacted by Newtown (through my work for Cigna), I called my adult children to check on my grandchildren. I then decided to use my experience & knowledge to rite a free resource for parents, When Bad Things Happen to Children. It can be downloaded at http://www.WakeUpAndDreamChallenge.com (look for the light blue download box to the left of the video about my other book), I hope it will help as many people as possible. Boston & our nation will need to heal & it will take time, but good people will finish 1st.
Peter, my son was in the womb when 9/11 happened. One of my cousins asked me if I was scared about the future and my unborn son. I told her no. I was very optimistic that good will prevail over evil. You just have to surround your daughter will all the love you can give to her. I strongly believe, despite event’s like yesterday’s, that the world is populated with more good than evil. It’s hard to believe when all you “seem” to see are the problems. Find the good in people and the world, but be vigilant and cognizant of existing dangers.
Peter, my son was in the womb when 9/11 happened. One of my cousins asked me if I was scared about the future and my unborn son. I told her no. I was very optimistic that good will prevail over evil. You just have to surround your daughter will all the love you can give to her. I strongly believe, despite event’s like yesterday’s, that the world is populated with more good than evil. It’s hard to believe when all you “seem” to see are the problems. Find the good in people and the world, but be vigilant and cognizant of existing dangers.
Peter,
You know me and you have heard about my wife and kids (likely more than you would want… but you’ll understand that soon). You know that I live in Battery Park City, but you may not know that I have lived less than 100 yards from where the base of WTC 2 stood for 16 years. I met my wife here and we got married while “out of house” waiting months for the all clear to move home. We still live in the same apartment, but now with a dog an eight year-old and five year-old twins. Our oldest goes to a public school in the neighborhood and they have a very good curriculum dealing with 9/11 (it was introduced in 1st or 2nd grade) but there was no way I was letting someone else tell my girl about something that changed her Mom and Dad so dramatically. I read through the school’s offerings before they were used in class and walked through it all with her… every second. She’s a great kid, and I know she picked up on Dad’s emotions. During that first conversation (there have been more since, but that’s another story) she crawled further and further onto my lap and I am still not sure if that was for her comfort or mine.
Bottom line: I try very hard to remember that kids feel every emotion we do, often stronger, but often do not have the words to let it out. And I tell her that I love her more than anything, every single day.
Peter,
You know me and you have heard about my wife and kids (likely more than you would want… but you’ll understand that soon). You know that I live in Battery Park City, but you may not know that I have lived less than 100 yards from where the base of WTC 2 stood for 16 years. I met my wife here and we got married while “out of house” waiting months for the all clear to move home. We still live in the same apartment, but now with a dog an eight year-old and five year-old twins. Our oldest goes to a public school in the neighborhood and they have a very good curriculum dealing with 9/11 (it was introduced in 1st or 2nd grade) but there was no way I was letting someone else tell my girl about something that changed her Mom and Dad so dramatically. I read through the school’s offerings before they were used in class and walked through it all with her… every second. She’s a great kid, and I know she picked up on Dad’s emotions. During that first conversation (there have been more since, but that’s another story) she crawled further and further onto my lap and I am still not sure if that was for her comfort or mine.
Bottom line: I try very hard to remember that kids feel every emotion we do, often stronger, but often do not have the words to let it out. And I tell her that I love her more than anything, every single day.
Peter – after raising three kids and now having two grandkids, here’s the one I am sure of. You can’t. There are no explanations for such evil. We live in a fallen world. Just love your girl. And do all you can to protect her. But in all that protecting, don’t forget to let her just live!!!!
It’s a hard time. I am from OK and I lived through the OKC bombing in a big way. Long story for another day. A psychologist told me something back then that rung true for us that also will ring true for the good people of Boston. He said, “everyone keeps asking me things like, ‘when is it going to get back to normal.'” And, “when will things be normal again.” I tell them — “you can’t get there from here. Normal no longer exists. Life as you know it is over. But, you will get a new normal. It will be different and you will miss the way things once were. But one day you will realize you are going to survive and even thrive in your new normal.” He was right.
In the subsequent years as life’s tragedies and sadnesses have come and gone, I try very hard to remember this.
Be blessed Peter. Thank you for how you share with all of us.
Peter – after raising three kids and now having two grandkids, here’s the one I am sure of. You can’t. There are no explanations for such evil. We live in a fallen world. Just love your girl. And do all you can to protect her. But in all that protecting, don’t forget to let her just live!!!!
It’s a hard time. I am from OK and I lived through the OKC bombing in a big way. Long story for another day. A psychologist told me something back then that rung true for us that also will ring true for the good people of Boston. He said, “everyone keeps asking me things like, ‘when is it going to get back to normal.'” And, “when will things be normal again.” I tell them — “you can’t get there from here. Normal no longer exists. Life as you know it is over. But, you will get a new normal. It will be different and you will miss the way things once were. But one day you will realize you are going to survive and even thrive in your new normal.” He was right.
In the subsequent years as life’s tragedies and sadnesses have come and gone, I try very hard to remember this.
Be blessed Peter. Thank you for how you share with all of us.
I shared with my daughters that things happen in this life that we may never understand. Our presence in the world symbolizes God’s desire to ensure that good will always win out over evil. And sometimes hurt people, hurt other people. In the end, we are blessed to live in a country that is able to rally together in the face of tragedy to support one another regardless of race, color or creed. That is what makes life beautiful to live and experience. Humanity in it’s purest form,
I shared with my daughters that things happen in this life that we may never understand. Our presence in the world symbolizes God’s desire to ensure that good will always win out over evil. And sometimes hurt people, hurt other people. In the end, we are blessed to live in a country that is able to rally together in the face of tragedy to support one another regardless of race, color or creed. That is what makes life beautiful to live and experience. Humanity in it’s purest form,
Teach her how to become a helper and a caring person to friends and strangers.
Share a good word to paramedics, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers when you are taking her for a walk.
Take her to watch running races and triathlons.
Share with her the stories of your own races, the people that supported you, and your own finishes.
She has a dad that is a marathoner and an Ironman. I can’t think of a better role model for her of determination and triumph of the human spirit over doubt and fear.
Teach her how to become a helper and a caring person to friends and strangers.
Share a good word to paramedics, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers when you are taking her for a walk.
Take her to watch running races and triathlons.
Share with her the stories of your own races, the people that supported you, and your own finishes.
She has a dad that is a marathoner and an Ironman. I can’t think of a better role model for her of determination and triumph of the human spirit over doubt and fear.
What Chel and Chris Penn said. Exactly that. Don’t hide the truth. Don’t sugar coat it. But don’t dwell on the bad. There is too much good in this world to focus on pockets of evil.
What Chel and Chris Penn said. Exactly that. Don’t hide the truth. Don’t sugar coat it. But don’t dwell on the bad. There is too much good in this world to focus on pockets of evil.
I have a 10 year old son. His Dad and I had a terrible relationship and a very difficult co-parenting situation so my son was often in a position of dealing with things he was way to young and tender to deal with. It was very hard for me to accept the reality of our complex family and that there were things I did not have the power to change. I also reached out to people wiser than me and a few things came from this: I created a network of people that my son could go to that were not me, I was always honest with him, I never spoke badly of of his father, but was very honest on a level he could understand, I always made sure he felt unconditionally loved, everyone in his life knew of our situation, teachers, camp counselors, doctors. Little did I know how important all of this would be, and that I was inherently preparing him for the unknown. His father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 3 years ago and died 2 years ago. From this, my son has faced terrible and vastly confusing experiences head on and has dealt with them with grace and a maturity that astounds me. As I watch him pass from a small child to a tween I carefully watch how he handles difficult and scary situations, whether in his daily life or in the larger world, and I am confident in his ability to be realistic about the world around him and maintain that the world and it’s inhabitants are mostly good and that there will always be a few bad guys to watch out for. As a parent, I share that being good and being honest are two of the most important gifts you can extend to your child by example. Also to create a community of people, a kind of advisory board of family and friends, that are always there for your child to contribute to their growth and development – it literally takes a village. You’ve got this Peter! All good wishes to your and your wife, being a parent is THE best job in the world!
I have a 10 year old son. His Dad and I had a terrible relationship and a very difficult co-parenting situation so my son was often in a position of dealing with things he was way to young and tender to deal with. It was very hard for me to accept the reality of our complex family and that there were things I did not have the power to change. I also reached out to people wiser than me and a few things came from this: I created a network of people that my son could go to that were not me, I was always honest with him, I never spoke badly of of his father, but was very honest on a level he could understand, I always made sure he felt unconditionally loved, everyone in his life knew of our situation, teachers, camp counselors, doctors. Little did I know how important all of this would be, and that I was inherently preparing him for the unknown. His father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 3 years ago and died 2 years ago. From this, my son has faced terrible and vastly confusing experiences head on and has dealt with them with grace and a maturity that astounds me. As I watch him pass from a small child to a tween I carefully watch how he handles difficult and scary situations, whether in his daily life or in the larger world, and I am confident in his ability to be realistic about the world around him and maintain that the world and it’s inhabitants are mostly good and that there will always be a few bad guys to watch out for. As a parent, I share that being good and being honest are two of the most important gifts you can extend to your child by example. Also to create a community of people, a kind of advisory board of family and friends, that are always there for your child to contribute to their growth and development – it literally takes a village. You’ve got this Peter! All good wishes to your and your wife, being a parent is THE best job in the world!
You don’t tell them anything. You ask if they want to talk about it. You make questions simple and open-ended (how do you feel, what do you think, what can we do) and keep the conversation curious and intimate. You watch their behavior. You ask them what they are thinking about…It’s best to have these kinds of talks when their hands are occupied with something else (a doll, legos, etc) because it will free their mind up to think on another level. My kids were 7 and 8 years old when the Pentagon was hit on 9/11…it was a frightening time around here in the Metro DC area…but we are always going to be on edge if that is our focus…my kids were more traumatized by lost loves, pets that passed, not being invited to a party, not winning a game…kids’ worlds are small and simple – try to help them stay there — they want to know what they can control and be in charge of…everything else is simply something they find big and frustrating and confusing. They are 20 and 21 now, and though the world is crazier than ever before, they know there is only so much they have control over, and the rest is for thoughtful consideration as to how those who are impacted directly are doing, and how those who are in control are acting….congrats on your pending parenthood — love every minute, it flies by faster than you will ever imagine possible!!
You don’t tell them anything. You ask if they want to talk about it. You make questions simple and open-ended (how do you feel, what do you think, what can we do) and keep the conversation curious and intimate. You watch their behavior. You ask them what they are thinking about…It’s best to have these kinds of talks when their hands are occupied with something else (a doll, legos, etc) because it will free their mind up to think on another level. My kids were 7 and 8 years old when the Pentagon was hit on 9/11…it was a frightening time around here in the Metro DC area…but we are always going to be on edge if that is our focus…my kids were more traumatized by lost loves, pets that passed, not being invited to a party, not winning a game…kids’ worlds are small and simple – try to help them stay there — they want to know what they can control and be in charge of…everything else is simply something they find big and frustrating and confusing. They are 20 and 21 now, and though the world is crazier than ever before, they know there is only so much they have control over, and the rest is for thoughtful consideration as to how those who are impacted directly are doing, and how those who are in control are acting….congrats on your pending parenthood — love every minute, it flies by faster than you will ever imagine possible!!
Congratulations, Peter – parenthood is the toughest, most rewarding experience you’ll ever have.
Yesterday was my birthday and my 7 year old daughter signed my card, “I love you Mommy, I hope nobody hurts you.” Talk with your children about what happens in the world so they’re prepared, and shield them from the nonsense as often as possible. I love Jenni’s statement about protecting them and preserving innocence for as long as you can… The good news is that you can have age appropriate conversations with them about every topic. Teaching children to respect and protect themselves and others is the best gift you can give them. And love them no matter what.
Congratulations, Peter – parenthood is the toughest, most rewarding experience you’ll ever have.
Yesterday was my birthday and my 7 year old daughter signed my card, “I love you Mommy, I hope nobody hurts you.” Talk with your children about what happens in the world so they’re prepared, and shield them from the nonsense as often as possible. I love Jenni’s statement about protecting them and preserving innocence for as long as you can… The good news is that you can have age appropriate conversations with them about every topic. Teaching children to respect and protect themselves and others is the best gift you can give them. And love them no matter what.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
You tell your kids (and yourself) to look for the heroes. They are many and they are always there, and you are your kids hero from day 1. What kids want is reassurance and security. And heroes.
You tell your kids (and yourself) to look for the heroes. They are many and they are always there, and you are your kids hero from day 1. What kids want is reassurance and security. And heroes.
Peter, heed CC’s advice. My 22-year-old son unexpectedly passed away almost two years ago, and I am comforted by knowing the last words we exchanged with each other were “I love you.” (He had called me two days before on my birthday.) Now I am adamant that I never leave my kiddos or have them leave me without exchanging “I love you”s.
Peter, heed CC’s advice. My 22-year-old son unexpectedly passed away almost two years ago, and I am comforted by knowing the last words we exchanged with each other were “I love you.” (He had called me two days before on my birthday.) Now I am adamant that I never leave my kiddos or have them leave me without exchanging “I love you”s.
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
PBS shared this earlier, hope it’s helpful: http://pbsparents.tumblr.com/post/48058966053/our-thoughts-go-out-to-the-victims-and-those
PBS shared this earlier, hope it’s helpful: http://pbsparents.tumblr.com/post/48058966053/our-thoughts-go-out-to-the-victims-and-those
You tell her that evil and good exist in a balance, and that terrible things happen so that she can know who the true heroes are around her – and perhaps be one herself.
Well said!
You tell her that evil and good exist in a balance, and that terrible things happen so that she can know who the true heroes are around her – and perhaps be one herself.
Well said!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
It’s true – the best you can do is love her and give her a happy, full life filled with the joy of living in the moment. I have a friend who lost her son unexpectedly, and the one comfort she said she had was the knowledge that he was a happy, loved child – and she wouldn’t have done anything different. Odds are, she’ll grow up happy and whole and confident and strong. I think that’s the best we can do. Peace to you, and congratulations on your growing family!
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
Peter, you tell her that there is good and evil in this world. But the good outweighs the evil even in times like this. The 1st responders heard the blast and ran back towards the sound. Marathon runners continued to run so they could give blood after enduring a 26 mile run already. And in the next few days and weeks there will be many more signs to show her that although somone does an evil act, good will always outnumber evil. Love is stronger than hate.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
I began to draft my reply, but read through and found yours. You have perfectly wrote what I feel. My kids are 6 and 7. They are not aware of what happened today. They understand that bad people exist, but in a “stranger danger” sort of way.
There is no reason to rush their maturity. I absolutely cherish their blissful innocence. Thanks Jenni.
Peter, welcome to fatherhood (soon). It’s the best ride of your life. My life has never been better than it has since my two monkeys entered it. Enjoy the ride.
When Newtown happened, it was the first horrible thing I’d experienced since becoming a mother. I really struggled with how to deal with it, because I felt like I owed it to my kids to be honest with them. And I will be honest with them…later. But for now, we will stick with blissful innocence.
I was a mess during Newtown. I agree though, blissful ignorance is the way for now.
I think this is an excellent reply. On 9/11, I lived on Boylston Street on the same block as the second explosion today, so today’s events are literally too close to home. Then, I was days from getting married. Now, I live in the ‘burbs and I have a child who is old enough to ask… and who must be told because he’s old enough that he will hear about it in school anyway. And what was true in Newtown was true today:
#1 Turn off the TV. Then say…
Yes, there are bad people in the world. Fortunately, there are not a lot of them and things like this, however tragic, are rare. Mommy and Daddy do everything we can to keep you safe from them. It’s our job.
Then find some other diversion. Take advantage of the child’s short attention span that you would otherwise complain about.
And worry. Worry about them at school all day. Worry the first time they take a bike ride without you there. Worry about that first date. Worry because that’s your job too. But don’t let them see you worry.
Congratulations on your impending baby! It’s a great ride.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
I began to draft my reply, but read through and found yours. You have perfectly wrote what I feel. My kids are 6 and 7. They are not aware of what happened today. They understand that bad people exist, but in a “stranger danger” sort of way.
There is no reason to rush their maturity. I absolutely cherish their blissful innocence. Thanks Jenni.
Peter, welcome to fatherhood (soon). It’s the best ride of your life. My life has never been better than it has since my two monkeys entered it. Enjoy the ride.
When Newtown happened, it was the first horrible thing I’d experienced since becoming a mother. I really struggled with how to deal with it, because I felt like I owed it to my kids to be honest with them. And I will be honest with them…later. But for now, we will stick with blissful innocence.
I was a mess during Newtown. I agree though, blissful ignorance is the way for now.
I think this is an excellent reply. On 9/11, I lived on Boylston Street on the same block as the second explosion today, so today’s events are literally too close to home. Then, I was days from getting married. Now, I live in the ‘burbs and I have a child who is old enough to ask… and who must be told because he’s old enough that he will hear about it in school anyway. And what was true in Newtown was true today:
#1 Turn off the TV. Then say…
Yes, there are bad people in the world. Fortunately, there are not a lot of them and things like this, however tragic, are rare. Mommy and Daddy do everything we can to keep you safe from them. It’s our job.
Then find some other diversion. Take advantage of the child’s short attention span that you would otherwise complain about.
And worry. Worry about them at school all day. Worry the first time they take a bike ride without you there. Worry about that first date. Worry because that’s your job too. But don’t let them see you worry.
Congratulations on your impending baby! It’s a great ride.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
I’m still learning (mine are 3.5 and 1.5) but my goal right now is to protect them and preserve their innocence as long as humanly possible. There will be plenty of time for them to know there are bad people in this world. For now, I just turn off the TV since it can be confusing to see the same scary things being repeated over and over again…little kids don’t understand the concept of replay. I also (when they’re big enough to ask questions and know what’s happening during scary times) plan to tell white lies as long as I can. “Can this happen to me?” “No, mama and dada will keep you safe.” I know we can’t really keep them safe from everything, though I do kind of wish it were acceptable to put them in big bubbles a la Bubble Boy, but I don’t want them to live their little lives scared.
Congratulations on your upcoming venture into parenthood. It is the best and most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. Scary as anything sometimes, but well worth it for all of the oh-so-good parts.
Yep, hope for the best and prepare for the worst is exactly right. 7 or 8 is the hardest age – old enough to ask questions and will hear about it at school but not mature enough to understand the details. I usually generalize events since I don’t want them having nightmares about a shooter at their school, a bomb in their city, etc.
Honestly, religion plays a big role here. I tell them it is a scary world out there but we believe God is in charge and that can bring us peace. All we can do is live a good life, help others, and try to make smart, safe decisions. Bad things do happen to good people because we all have the freedom of choice, and bad people make bad choices.
Yep, hope for the best and prepare for the worst is exactly right. 7 or 8 is the hardest age – old enough to ask questions and will hear about it at school but not mature enough to understand the details. I usually generalize events since I don’t want them having nightmares about a shooter at their school, a bomb in their city, etc.
Honestly, religion plays a big role here. I tell them it is a scary world out there but we believe God is in charge and that can bring us peace. All we can do is live a good life, help others, and try to make smart, safe decisions. Bad things do happen to good people because we all have the freedom of choice, and bad people make bad choices.
After 9/11, I decided that we wouldn’t live in fear. We live life to the fullest, without regrets. I’ve always told my children that they have to make good decisions – be good, do good. It’s hard though, there is a quote about having children means having your heart on the outside of your body. So true!
After 9/11, I decided that we wouldn’t live in fear. We live life to the fullest, without regrets. I’ve always told my children that they have to make good decisions – be good, do good. It’s hard though, there is a quote about having children means having your heart on the outside of your body. So true!
I know! SO scary! But we cant let them win… I think your friend CC is right! We can use these tragedies to love and appreciate our children EVEN more!! You’re gonna be THE BEST Daddy Peter!!
I know! SO scary! But we cant let them win… I think your friend CC is right! We can use these tragedies to love and appreciate our children EVEN more!! You’re gonna be THE BEST Daddy Peter!!
You support her no matter what. You let her know that life is filled with choices, and if its light it’s right. You fill her head with beauty and laughter, and you don’t let the smelly shit permeate your home. That’s her safe place. So shut off the news and have discussions about how you can help create a better world and what wonderful possibilities are available. You , Peter Shankman , you will be a great father.
You support her no matter what. You let her know that life is filled with choices, and if its light it’s right. You fill her head with beauty and laughter, and you don’t let the smelly shit permeate your home. That’s her safe place. So shut off the news and have discussions about how you can help create a better world and what wonderful possibilities are available. You , Peter Shankman , you will be a great father.
I felt the same way after 9/11 when I held my then 6 month old grandson and wondered what kind of world he would grow up in. Coincidentally, at almost 12 years old, he is staying with me this week while his mom, my daughter, is away. Together we listened to NPR reports of the tragedy and he worried about my sister who lives in Cambridge. She is not a runner I assured him. I don’t have answers for him about yet another senseless act in our country. Only questions.
I felt the same way after 9/11 when I held my then 6 month old grandson and wondered what kind of world he would grow up in. Coincidentally, at almost 12 years old, he is staying with me this week while his mom, my daughter, is away. Together we listened to NPR reports of the tragedy and he worried about my sister who lives in Cambridge. She is not a runner I assured him. I don’t have answers for him about yet another senseless act in our country. Only questions.
Mostly you explain as little as you can – cover the big points, but skip the details. You tell them that a bad thing happened, that people got hurt and that a lot of people are sad about it.
Then you ask the folks at the restaurant to please turn off the TVs on the room where they seat the families so the kids won’t be exposed to the graphic media coverage. My kids are 4 and 7. After Sandy Hook, we only watched Disney, Nick & Netflix for over a week unless the kids were out of the house or asleep.
Young kids often don’t have enough context to process these types of things (thankfully). My 7 year old read a TV screen & asked about it. I said that a bomb went off in Boston and that a lot of people got hurt. My 4 year old responded with “but bombs aren’t real”. His exposure to bombs and bad guys usually involves super heroes – he’s blissfully ignorant of the real world implications.
Follow your kid’s lead. I’ve found that mine rarely ask a follow up question if they don’t need more information. The one sentence answer will likely satisfy them and they’ll move on to the next topic – like can
I have chocolate milk with dinner (definitely not).
Mostly you explain as little as you can – cover the big points, but skip the details. You tell them that a bad thing happened, that people got hurt and that a lot of people are sad about it.
Then you ask the folks at the restaurant to please turn off the TVs on the room where they seat the families so the kids won’t be exposed to the graphic media coverage. My kids are 4 and 7. After Sandy Hook, we only watched Disney, Nick & Netflix for over a week unless the kids were out of the house or asleep.
Young kids often don’t have enough context to process these types of things (thankfully). My 7 year old read a TV screen & asked about it. I said that a bomb went off in Boston and that a lot of people got hurt. My 4 year old responded with “but bombs aren’t real”. His exposure to bombs and bad guys usually involves super heroes – he’s blissfully ignorant of the real world implications.
Follow your kid’s lead. I’ve found that mine rarely ask a follow up question if they don’t need more information. The one sentence answer will likely satisfy them and they’ll move on to the next topic – like can
I have chocolate milk with dinner (definitely not).
Thank you for writing this. At 6 months pregnant, I was having very similar thoughts today and appreciate reading the advice in the other comments. What a sad day …
Thank you for writing this. At 6 months pregnant, I was having very similar thoughts today and appreciate reading the advice in the other comments. What a sad day …
Be sure you tell her yourself. That way you can frame the message, ensure you can tell her a million times that you love her, that not everyone in the world is like that. Focus on the heroes, first responders, those who are opening their homes, giving blood, providing leads. Hug, hug, hug again. It’s going to hurt her but if you are the one telling her, you are the one who can ease her pain. Listen to her, answer her questions as honestly as you can. And trust me, if you don’t tell her others will. I was sure to tell my 10 and 8 yr old about new town but waited too long today.
Be sure you tell her yourself. That way you can frame the message, ensure you can tell her a million times that you love her, that not everyone in the world is like that. Focus on the heroes, first responders, those who are opening their homes, giving blood, providing leads. Hug, hug, hug again. It’s going to hurt her but if you are the one telling her, you are the one who can ease her pain. Listen to her, answer her questions as honestly as you can. And trust me, if you don’t tell her others will. I was sure to tell my 10 and 8 yr old about new town but waited too long today.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
Fortunately, by the time she is old enough to find out about this, there will be more information.
As to the larger question, I offer this.
God made the world. He gave it to Mankind.
We screwed up, and we broke it. So it’s not a perfect place anymore. There are good people and there are bad people — and sometimes, the really Bad people make Bad things happen.
It doesn’t mean the world is bad, and it doesn’t mean that there is no Love.
———–
When she’s older, she will be in the same position you are now. It’s the circle of life.
There isn’t anything you can truly say to them that will bring them total comfort is this evil world. All the advise i can give is just this : tell them everyday that you love them. Be there for them and dry their tears. Always be strong and fight for your family. Teach them about God and the love he has for us and that there is an unspeakable evil in this world and that’s why WE must be strong in the lord. Never lure to them when they come to you for answers if you don’t know then tell them that. If you are unsure let them know that. But Always ALWAYS love them deeply and they will give that in return. Children are sweet and innocent souls and that peter is why they come to us
when they don’t understand, because to them, we have all the knowledge in the universe ( until they become teenagers of course). I wish you the best and my God bless you with a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.
Missy
There isn’t anything you can truly say to them that will bring them total comfort is this evil world. All the advise i can give is just this : tell them everyday that you love them. Be there for them and dry their tears. Always be strong and fight for your family. Teach them about God and the love he has for us and that there is an unspeakable evil in this world and that’s why WE must be strong in the lord. Never lure to them when they come to you for answers if you don’t know then tell them that. If you are unsure let them know that. But Always ALWAYS love them deeply and they will give that in return. Children are sweet and innocent souls and that peter is why they come to us
when they don’t understand, because to them, we have all the knowledge in the universe ( until they become teenagers of course). I wish you the best and my God bless you with a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.
Missy
My daughter is 9; her dad died suddenly when she was six. She hears about 9/11 and we visit the local memorial. The Newtown tragedy is one I would have shielded her from, but it was too much in conversation. We don’t watch news. What I do is pray for victims and let her add her own prayers. Believing in God and hearing me pray for others to be comforted helps her (and me).
My daughter is 9; her dad died suddenly when she was six. She hears about 9/11 and we visit the local memorial. The Newtown tragedy is one I would have shielded her from, but it was too much in conversation. We don’t watch news. What I do is pray for victims and let her add her own prayers. Believing in God and hearing me pray for others to be comforted helps her (and me).
Oh Peter, I wanted to write the same post to my son who’s due in July, asking him to stay in the womb just a bit longer. That way I can keep him safe and protected from the horrors of people hurting others like we saw today, and three months ago in Newtown. I haven’t been emotional at all during this pregnancy, but today brings back that distinct sadness I felt watching and reading about Newtown. More than anything I want to teach my son about love, and that how it can conquer all despair and sadness with the Lord’s strength.
Oh Peter, I wanted to write the same post to my son who’s due in July, asking him to stay in the womb just a bit longer. That way I can keep him safe and protected from the horrors of people hurting others like we saw today, and three months ago in Newtown. I haven’t been emotional at all during this pregnancy, but today brings back that distinct sadness I felt watching and reading about Newtown. More than anything I want to teach my son about love, and that how it can conquer all despair and sadness with the Lord’s strength.
I’m sure I am not saying anything new but you know I have 3 kids 10, 7 and 4 and I am an educational consultant and I know you a long time. You need to see who your daughter is what she can handle. some kids are mature others are not. Some 4 year olds need to know everything and some 10 year olds have nightmares and can’t sleep at the slightest bit of terrible news. They need to be comfortable and you need to be comfortable with how much information your willing to discuss. Use your child’s cues and watch closely at body language and responses. End the conversation on comforting note (example below like how to help) and don’t push. You need to give them the information that the can handle at the time. I start off “something happened and I want to talk about it so you don’t get confused or get wrong information from friends or overhearing adults talking.” They are great eavesdroppers! You tell them that people got hurt today, in Boston and that you wanted them to know to please have those people and their families in your thoughts. Perhaps we will be able to know in a few days how we can help (this empowers and shows that they have control). For example in Newton we sent snowflakes to help decorate the children’s new school. For young children that may be enough information, if they question you can go deeper. Next, Sometimes adults don’t know how to behave even though they are adults. some adults, when they are angry do terrible things. they can hurt people and (my oldest I come right out- kill people) – that happened today. People were killed and we need to make sure we find out all the information we need before we know how, why and what happened. I want to let you know that mommy and I will always do our very best to keep you safe and to keep our family safe (Don’t lie and make it seem like no harm can ever come because it can, and you know it). Saying you do everything you can for your family to be safe is fair. I have a lot more to say but too tired to write. You know where to find me. And you know I will be a resource whenever you need me.
I just re read- “you’re” in the 5th line and excuse all other spelling errors I’m a tired educational consultant!
I’m sure I am not saying anything new but you know I have 3 kids 10, 7 and 4 and I am an educational consultant and I know you a long time. You need to see who your daughter is what she can handle. some kids are mature others are not. Some 4 year olds need to know everything and some 10 year olds have nightmares and can’t sleep at the slightest bit of terrible news. They need to be comfortable and you need to be comfortable with how much information your willing to discuss. Use your child’s cues and watch closely at body language and responses. End the conversation on comforting note (example below like how to help) and don’t push. You need to give them the information that the can handle at the time. I start off “something happened and I want to talk about it so you don’t get confused or get wrong information from friends or overhearing adults talking.” They are great eavesdroppers! You tell them that people got hurt today, in Boston and that you wanted them to know to please have those people and their families in your thoughts. Perhaps we will be able to know in a few days how we can help (this empowers and shows that they have control). For example in Newton we sent snowflakes to help decorate the children’s new school. For young children that may be enough information, if they question you can go deeper. Next, Sometimes adults don’t know how to behave even though they are adults. some adults, when they are angry do terrible things. they can hurt people and (my oldest I come right out- kill people) – that happened today. People were killed and we need to make sure we find out all the information we need before we know how, why and what happened. I want to let you know that mommy and I will always do our very best to keep you safe and to keep our family safe (Don’t lie and make it seem like no harm can ever come because it can, and you know it). Saying you do everything you can for your family to be safe is fair. I have a lot more to say but too tired to write. You know where to find me. And you know I will be a resource whenever you need me.
I just re read- “you’re” in the 5th line and excuse all other spelling errors I’m a tired educational consultant!
I just re read- “you’re” in the 5th line and excuse all other spelling errors I’m a tired educational consultant!
I just re read- “you’re” in the 5th line and excuse all other spelling errors I’m a tired educational consultant!
There is nothing you can do to protect her from this kind of tragedy any more than the parents in Connecticut could protect their children at school. Just hug her a lot and tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. No one can escape tragedy. It is part of life. Even if you are by her side every minute of every day – and it is impossible to do that – there will still be moments of extraordinary tragedy that have no logical explanation. Just enjoy every moment that you have and let her know that there is nothing more important to you than she is.
There is nothing you can do to protect her from this kind of tragedy any more than the parents in Connecticut could protect their children at school. Just hug her a lot and tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. No one can escape tragedy. It is part of life. Even if you are by her side every minute of every day – and it is impossible to do that – there will still be moments of extraordinary tragedy that have no logical explanation. Just enjoy every moment that you have and let her know that there is nothing more important to you than she is.
You tell her that there are horrible people on this world but there are good people too. That though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes the good outweighs the bad. And you tell her that you love her.
You tell her that there are horrible people on this world but there are good people too. That though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes the good outweighs the bad. And you tell her that you love her.
Peter, when the time comes so will the words. It isn’t easy but you will find your voice and a way to talk about the ugliness of the world. I was very young when JFK died. My mother struggled in her grief to find the words for me but find them she did. When my son was six a classmate of his was killed by her father (he actually killed the whole family and then himself). That his closer to home but although it was difficult the words came to me. You have a good heart. You will find the words to tell her about these things which strike deep at our collective hearts and minds.
Chel above is right. Always, always let your daughter know that you love her. That is so important.
Peter, when the time comes so will the words. It isn’t easy but you will find your voice and a way to talk about the ugliness of the world. I was very young when JFK died. My mother struggled in her grief to find the words for me but find them she did. When my son was six a classmate of his was killed by her father (he actually killed the whole family and then himself). That his closer to home but although it was difficult the words came to me. You have a good heart. You will find the words to tell her about these things which strike deep at our collective hearts and minds.
Chel above is right. Always, always let your daughter know that you love her. That is so important.
I just told my 7 year old son, after looking at some of the less gruesome pics, that it’s our job as parents to protect him from everything we can, but that there are crazy people out there who do bad things and there is no way of knowing when these things will happen. Then, you follow up with the biggest I love you that you’ve expressed in some time and pray to whomever (your higher power, if you have one) that this will never, ever happen to anyone you know and love. Then, you try to smile and tell yourself that the world is still ok. After all, we have to get up and go to work tomorrow and send our kids to school with the belief that everything will be alright.
I just told my 7 year old son, after looking at some of the less gruesome pics, that it’s our job as parents to protect him from everything we can, but that there are crazy people out there who do bad things and there is no way of knowing when these things will happen. Then, you follow up with the biggest I love you that you’ve expressed in some time and pray to whomever (your higher power, if you have one) that this will never, ever happen to anyone you know and love. Then, you try to smile and tell yourself that the world is still ok. After all, we have to get up and go to work tomorrow and send our kids to school with the belief that everything will be alright.
Great question Peter – and one I’m still working on with a son who just turned 6. We never let him see news and listen to a Christian radio station almost all the time he’s around. Even then, they do gingerly speak about the tragedies and then I quickly turn the channel. Tonight though he got mad that I turned the channel and I told him someone was really naughty and I didn’t want him to get scared. All we can do is what we think is best, pray for their safety and always give them lots of hugs and kisses.
Great question Peter – and one I’m still working on with a son who just turned 6. We never let him see news and listen to a Christian radio station almost all the time he’s around. Even then, they do gingerly speak about the tragedies and then I quickly turn the channel. Tonight though he got mad that I turned the channel and I told him someone was really naughty and I didn’t want him to get scared. All we can do is what we think is best, pray for their safety and always give them lots of hugs and kisses.
wait till she asks “but Daddy, why did God let that happen?”…The 2011 tsunami in Japan made my 8-year old an atheist (not that his dad would contradict him on that I admit).
wait till she asks “but Daddy, why did God let that happen?”…The 2011 tsunami in Japan made my 8-year old an atheist (not that his dad would contradict him on that I admit).
I understand what you’re feeling; it’s actually a decision you will face and make all throughout your daughter’s childhood. I know it has been w/my son (who was 8 when the 9/11 attacks took place.
The plain truth is it’s all about balance. You don’t want to protect your child from the cruelty in this world; you want to teach her how to deal with, and handle, it. Because, the fact is, this world is filled w/cruelties and injustices. If you shelter her from that, she won’t have any idea how to cope when she comes face to face w/it.
I understand what you’re feeling; it’s actually a decision you will face and make all throughout your daughter’s childhood. I know it has been w/my son (who was 8 when the 9/11 attacks took place.
The plain truth is it’s all about balance. You don’t want to protect your child from the cruelty in this world; you want to teach her how to deal with, and handle, it. Because, the fact is, this world is filled w/cruelties and injustices. If you shelter her from that, she won’t have any idea how to cope when she comes face to face w/it.
No matter how long we are parents or how much we know, it is always hard to explain events like these to children. I am a psychologist & have been helping children & adults deal with traumatic events since i began my career in Israel where war & terror have been a part of life for all parents. After helping people impacted by Newtown (through my work for Cigna), I called my adult children to check on my grandchildren. I then decided to use my experience & knowledge to rite a free resource for parents, When Bad Things Happen to Children. It can be downloaded at http://www.WakeUpAndDreamChallenge.com (look for the light blue download box to the left of the video about my other book), I hope it will help as many people as possible. Boston & our nation will need to heal & it will take time, but good people will finish 1st.
No matter how long we are parents or how much we know, it is always hard to explain events like these to children. I am a psychologist & have been helping children & adults deal with traumatic events since i began my career in Israel where war & terror have been a part of life for all parents. After helping people impacted by Newtown (through my work for Cigna), I called my adult children to check on my grandchildren. I then decided to use my experience & knowledge to rite a free resource for parents, When Bad Things Happen to Children. It can be downloaded at http://www.WakeUpAndDreamChallenge.com (look for the light blue download box to the left of the video about my other book), I hope it will help as many people as possible. Boston & our nation will need to heal & it will take time, but good people will finish 1st.
Peter, my son was in the womb when 9/11 happened. One of my cousins asked me if I was scared about the future and my unborn son. I told her no. I was very optimistic that good will prevail over evil. You just have to surround your daughter will all the love you can give to her. I strongly believe, despite event’s like yesterday’s, that the world is populated with more good than evil. It’s hard to believe when all you “seem” to see are the problems. Find the good in people and the world, but be vigilant and cognizant of existing dangers.
Peter, my son was in the womb when 9/11 happened. One of my cousins asked me if I was scared about the future and my unborn son. I told her no. I was very optimistic that good will prevail over evil. You just have to surround your daughter will all the love you can give to her. I strongly believe, despite event’s like yesterday’s, that the world is populated with more good than evil. It’s hard to believe when all you “seem” to see are the problems. Find the good in people and the world, but be vigilant and cognizant of existing dangers.
Peter,
You know me and you have heard about my wife and kids (likely more than you would want… but you’ll understand that soon). You know that I live in Battery Park City, but you may not know that I have lived less than 100 yards from where the base of WTC 2 stood for 16 years. I met my wife here and we got married while “out of house” waiting months for the all clear to move home. We still live in the same apartment, but now with a dog an eight year-old and five year-old twins. Our oldest goes to a public school in the neighborhood and they have a very good curriculum dealing with 9/11 (it was introduced in 1st or 2nd grade) but there was no way I was letting someone else tell my girl about something that changed her Mom and Dad so dramatically. I read through the school’s offerings before they were used in class and walked through it all with her… every second. She’s a great kid, and I know she picked up on Dad’s emotions. During that first conversation (there have been more since, but that’s another story) she crawled further and further onto my lap and I am still not sure if that was for her comfort or mine.
Bottom line: I try very hard to remember that kids feel every emotion we do, often stronger, but often do not have the words to let it out. And I tell her that I love her more than anything, every single day.
PS Thanks for letting me rant.
Peter,
You know me and you have heard about my wife and kids (likely more than you would want… but you’ll understand that soon). You know that I live in Battery Park City, but you may not know that I have lived less than 100 yards from where the base of WTC 2 stood for 16 years. I met my wife here and we got married while “out of house” waiting months for the all clear to move home. We still live in the same apartment, but now with a dog an eight year-old and five year-old twins. Our oldest goes to a public school in the neighborhood and they have a very good curriculum dealing with 9/11 (it was introduced in 1st or 2nd grade) but there was no way I was letting someone else tell my girl about something that changed her Mom and Dad so dramatically. I read through the school’s offerings before they were used in class and walked through it all with her… every second. She’s a great kid, and I know she picked up on Dad’s emotions. During that first conversation (there have been more since, but that’s another story) she crawled further and further onto my lap and I am still not sure if that was for her comfort or mine.
Bottom line: I try very hard to remember that kids feel every emotion we do, often stronger, but often do not have the words to let it out. And I tell her that I love her more than anything, every single day.
PS Thanks for letting me rant.
Peter – after raising three kids and now having two grandkids, here’s the one I am sure of. You can’t. There are no explanations for such evil. We live in a fallen world. Just love your girl. And do all you can to protect her. But in all that protecting, don’t forget to let her just live!!!!
It’s a hard time. I am from OK and I lived through the OKC bombing in a big way. Long story for another day. A psychologist told me something back then that rung true for us that also will ring true for the good people of Boston. He said, “everyone keeps asking me things like, ‘when is it going to get back to normal.'” And, “when will things be normal again.” I tell them — “you can’t get there from here. Normal no longer exists. Life as you know it is over. But, you will get a new normal. It will be different and you will miss the way things once were. But one day you will realize you are going to survive and even thrive in your new normal.” He was right.
In the subsequent years as life’s tragedies and sadnesses have come and gone, I try very hard to remember this.
Be blessed Peter. Thank you for how you share with all of us.
Dianne
Peter – after raising three kids and now having two grandkids, here’s the one I am sure of. You can’t. There are no explanations for such evil. We live in a fallen world. Just love your girl. And do all you can to protect her. But in all that protecting, don’t forget to let her just live!!!!
It’s a hard time. I am from OK and I lived through the OKC bombing in a big way. Long story for another day. A psychologist told me something back then that rung true for us that also will ring true for the good people of Boston. He said, “everyone keeps asking me things like, ‘when is it going to get back to normal.'” And, “when will things be normal again.” I tell them — “you can’t get there from here. Normal no longer exists. Life as you know it is over. But, you will get a new normal. It will be different and you will miss the way things once were. But one day you will realize you are going to survive and even thrive in your new normal.” He was right.
In the subsequent years as life’s tragedies and sadnesses have come and gone, I try very hard to remember this.
Be blessed Peter. Thank you for how you share with all of us.
Dianne
I shared with my daughters that things happen in this life that we may never understand. Our presence in the world symbolizes God’s desire to ensure that good will always win out over evil. And sometimes hurt people, hurt other people. In the end, we are blessed to live in a country that is able to rally together in the face of tragedy to support one another regardless of race, color or creed. That is what makes life beautiful to live and experience. Humanity in it’s purest form,
I shared with my daughters that things happen in this life that we may never understand. Our presence in the world symbolizes God’s desire to ensure that good will always win out over evil. And sometimes hurt people, hurt other people. In the end, we are blessed to live in a country that is able to rally together in the face of tragedy to support one another regardless of race, color or creed. That is what makes life beautiful to live and experience. Humanity in it’s purest form,
Tell her about the heroes and the helpers.
Teach her how to become a helper and a caring person to friends and strangers.
Share a good word to paramedics, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers when you are taking her for a walk.
Take her to watch running races and triathlons.
Share with her the stories of your own races, the people that supported you, and your own finishes.
She has a dad that is a marathoner and an Ironman. I can’t think of a better role model for her of determination and triumph of the human spirit over doubt and fear.
Tell her about the heroes and the helpers.
Teach her how to become a helper and a caring person to friends and strangers.
Share a good word to paramedics, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers when you are taking her for a walk.
Take her to watch running races and triathlons.
Share with her the stories of your own races, the people that supported you, and your own finishes.
She has a dad that is a marathoner and an Ironman. I can’t think of a better role model for her of determination and triumph of the human spirit over doubt and fear.
What Chel and Chris Penn said. Exactly that. Don’t hide the truth. Don’t sugar coat it. But don’t dwell on the bad. There is too much good in this world to focus on pockets of evil.
What Chel and Chris Penn said. Exactly that. Don’t hide the truth. Don’t sugar coat it. But don’t dwell on the bad. There is too much good in this world to focus on pockets of evil.
I have a 10 year old son. His Dad and I had a terrible relationship and a very difficult co-parenting situation so my son was often in a position of dealing with things he was way to young and tender to deal with. It was very hard for me to accept the reality of our complex family and that there were things I did not have the power to change. I also reached out to people wiser than me and a few things came from this: I created a network of people that my son could go to that were not me, I was always honest with him, I never spoke badly of of his father, but was very honest on a level he could understand, I always made sure he felt unconditionally loved, everyone in his life knew of our situation, teachers, camp counselors, doctors. Little did I know how important all of this would be, and that I was inherently preparing him for the unknown. His father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 3 years ago and died 2 years ago. From this, my son has faced terrible and vastly confusing experiences head on and has dealt with them with grace and a maturity that astounds me. As I watch him pass from a small child to a tween I carefully watch how he handles difficult and scary situations, whether in his daily life or in the larger world, and I am confident in his ability to be realistic about the world around him and maintain that the world and it’s inhabitants are mostly good and that there will always be a few bad guys to watch out for. As a parent, I share that being good and being honest are two of the most important gifts you can extend to your child by example. Also to create a community of people, a kind of advisory board of family and friends, that are always there for your child to contribute to their growth and development – it literally takes a village. You’ve got this Peter! All good wishes to your and your wife, being a parent is THE best job in the world!
I have a 10 year old son. His Dad and I had a terrible relationship and a very difficult co-parenting situation so my son was often in a position of dealing with things he was way to young and tender to deal with. It was very hard for me to accept the reality of our complex family and that there were things I did not have the power to change. I also reached out to people wiser than me and a few things came from this: I created a network of people that my son could go to that were not me, I was always honest with him, I never spoke badly of of his father, but was very honest on a level he could understand, I always made sure he felt unconditionally loved, everyone in his life knew of our situation, teachers, camp counselors, doctors. Little did I know how important all of this would be, and that I was inherently preparing him for the unknown. His father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 3 years ago and died 2 years ago. From this, my son has faced terrible and vastly confusing experiences head on and has dealt with them with grace and a maturity that astounds me. As I watch him pass from a small child to a tween I carefully watch how he handles difficult and scary situations, whether in his daily life or in the larger world, and I am confident in his ability to be realistic about the world around him and maintain that the world and it’s inhabitants are mostly good and that there will always be a few bad guys to watch out for. As a parent, I share that being good and being honest are two of the most important gifts you can extend to your child by example. Also to create a community of people, a kind of advisory board of family and friends, that are always there for your child to contribute to their growth and development – it literally takes a village. You’ve got this Peter! All good wishes to your and your wife, being a parent is THE best job in the world!
You don’t tell them anything. You ask if they want to talk about it. You make questions simple and open-ended (how do you feel, what do you think, what can we do) and keep the conversation curious and intimate. You watch their behavior. You ask them what they are thinking about…It’s best to have these kinds of talks when their hands are occupied with something else (a doll, legos, etc) because it will free their mind up to think on another level. My kids were 7 and 8 years old when the Pentagon was hit on 9/11…it was a frightening time around here in the Metro DC area…but we are always going to be on edge if that is our focus…my kids were more traumatized by lost loves, pets that passed, not being invited to a party, not winning a game…kids’ worlds are small and simple – try to help them stay there — they want to know what they can control and be in charge of…everything else is simply something they find big and frustrating and confusing. They are 20 and 21 now, and though the world is crazier than ever before, they know there is only so much they have control over, and the rest is for thoughtful consideration as to how those who are impacted directly are doing, and how those who are in control are acting….congrats on your pending parenthood — love every minute, it flies by faster than you will ever imagine possible!!
You don’t tell them anything. You ask if they want to talk about it. You make questions simple and open-ended (how do you feel, what do you think, what can we do) and keep the conversation curious and intimate. You watch their behavior. You ask them what they are thinking about…It’s best to have these kinds of talks when their hands are occupied with something else (a doll, legos, etc) because it will free their mind up to think on another level. My kids were 7 and 8 years old when the Pentagon was hit on 9/11…it was a frightening time around here in the Metro DC area…but we are always going to be on edge if that is our focus…my kids were more traumatized by lost loves, pets that passed, not being invited to a party, not winning a game…kids’ worlds are small and simple – try to help them stay there — they want to know what they can control and be in charge of…everything else is simply something they find big and frustrating and confusing. They are 20 and 21 now, and though the world is crazier than ever before, they know there is only so much they have control over, and the rest is for thoughtful consideration as to how those who are impacted directly are doing, and how those who are in control are acting….congrats on your pending parenthood — love every minute, it flies by faster than you will ever imagine possible!!
Congratulations, Peter – parenthood is the toughest, most rewarding experience you’ll ever have.
Yesterday was my birthday and my 7 year old daughter signed my card, “I love you Mommy, I hope nobody hurts you.” Talk with your children about what happens in the world so they’re prepared, and shield them from the nonsense as often as possible. I love Jenni’s statement about protecting them and preserving innocence for as long as you can… The good news is that you can have age appropriate conversations with them about every topic. Teaching children to respect and protect themselves and others is the best gift you can give them. And love them no matter what.
Congratulations, Peter – parenthood is the toughest, most rewarding experience you’ll ever have.
Yesterday was my birthday and my 7 year old daughter signed my card, “I love you Mommy, I hope nobody hurts you.” Talk with your children about what happens in the world so they’re prepared, and shield them from the nonsense as often as possible. I love Jenni’s statement about protecting them and preserving innocence for as long as you can… The good news is that you can have age appropriate conversations with them about every topic. Teaching children to respect and protect themselves and others is the best gift you can give them. And love them no matter what.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
I have two daughters. When they were little, we didn’t try to shield them from bad news, but we didn’t throw it in their faces, either. If they were involved in it — such as a sick relative — or heard about it — 9-11 — we discussed it and answered their questions. As adults, we were tempted to dump the “whole story” on them, but as children they generally had a fairly limited level of understanding and interest. So we tried to give them the information they wanted, and left it at that. I think they were reassured because we were willing to talk to them about difficult things. Today, they can handle bad news without becoming unduly upset.
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
As a parent you will want to shield your child from anything and everything. But it comes down to explaining life in terms your child understands at the time, and then again later when they understand more and so on. Your book says it all. Emphasize that NICE trumps all, even when scary crazy things happen. It really does work! My kids are in their 30s and they have kids!
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
Our boys were 6 and 4 when 9/11 happened. They had been told there was an accident. We didn’t want them to think that every time I flew on a plane there might be an “accident” so we followed what you suggested telling them it was done intentionally but steps would be taken to make sure it never happened again. You also can’t go wrong making sure they know you love them as well as making sure you teach them the right way to live, by example as well as words.
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I just came across your post today Peter so by now I’m sure that you’re enjoying your new role as Daddy. It is your most important role that you will ever play. Ever.
You will have no greater role than Dad in this world. You will have no greater impact, no greater ability to contribute, no greater ability to make a difference in this world.
I have the 2 most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, kind daughters this planet has ever and will ever have known. It’s the Truth and I’m sure you can speak the same of your daughter too.
Tomorrow marks the 18th year of my youngest daughter’s life and in about 3 months it will be the 22nd year of my oldest daughter’s life. I can remember the day each of them arrived in this world. I was scared out of my living mind on both days. I became a new Dad on each day.
I learned and grew as a Dad and still am. I did a lot of good and I screwed up a number of times. I look back now and can say that I did a great job as Dad and work every day to become better.
I could never have done it though without my daughters. I owe my success in Daddyhood to them.
So new Dad, I’d like to humbly offer some insight to you as you embark on the most important journey you will ever have:
1. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
2. Let her be a kid, even when she’s grown up as mine are. In today’s world especially, kids are pushed by all sorts of people and groups to grow up way too fast.
3. Don’t worry about what to tell her. It will come to you when she ask questions about the good and the bad. (There will be times when she doesn’t ask any questions but you want to say something to her. Don’t. Especially in her 13-17 years. Trust me.)
4. You will be the most awesome man to your daughter for her 1st 12-13 years. From about 13-17 you will be Satan. Don’t worry. It happens to every Dad. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just is. Just be there for them no matter what.
5. Protect her from boys. Especially from 12-18 years old. We were both boys/teens and we both know what complete dumb-shits and immature douchelords we were back then just like any teenage boy.
6. Make a commitment to turn off from the world at a set time each evening (electronics, etc,). This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and I still work on it to this day. I work in technology so it’s even harder but you need to do it no matter what. You won’t do it every time but the sooner you make a commitment to it, the richer your life and your daughter’s life will be.
7. Let your daughter make mistakes. She will become even a better person than she already is and you will become a better Dad/person than you already are.
8. Take at least a 1 week vacation with your daughter every year. Don’t make it the same place every year. Life is about experiences.
9. People will tell you how to be a Dad. You can listen to them, smile and nod, but ultimately you make the choice on how to be the best Dad. Don’t sweat it. Things work out in the end.
10. Tell her you love her at least once in the morning when she wakes up and once at night when she goes to bed. (This includes hugs and kisses!) (You as a Dad, are allowed to do this as much as you want every day!)
BONUS: 11. Your daughter will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’. The tricky part is you both always know that in your minds, but you will have to let go of ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ and it’s the hardest part of being a Dad.
I’ve not always done the above consistently (except for #1 & #10). No Dad ever has. You will screw up (and sometimes royally) like I and every Dad has. But I guarantee you that if you do these at least 50% of the time you will be an awesome Dad!
Thank you so much Peter for this post. You have given me a great gift to pause & reflect on the joy of being a Dad to my daughters… they are the greatest gift I have ever received.
To my daughters – “I love you Alexa and Emily! xoxoxoxo!!!”
I think that is so true
I think that is so true
I think that is so true
I think that is so true
I think that is so true
I think that is so true
You tell your kids (and yourself) to look for the heroes. They are many and they are always there, and you are your kids hero from day 1. What kids want is reassurance and security. And heroes.
You tell your kids (and yourself) to look for the heroes. They are many and they are always there, and you are your kids hero from day 1. What kids want is reassurance and security. And heroes.
Peter, heed CC’s advice. My 22-year-old son unexpectedly passed away almost two years ago, and I am comforted by knowing the last words we exchanged with each other were “I love you.” (He had called me two days before on my birthday.) Now I am adamant that I never leave my kiddos or have them leave me without exchanging “I love you”s.
Peter, heed CC’s advice. My 22-year-old son unexpectedly passed away almost two years ago, and I am comforted by knowing the last words we exchanged with each other were “I love you.” (He had called me two days before on my birthday.) Now I am adamant that I never leave my kiddos or have them leave me without exchanging “I love you”s.
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
To short phrase, I let them know it is because those people who do this are confused and hurting and they need our help. It happens because no one steps in to help the bad guys. My daughter loves Lion King, but she asked me one time why Scar was so mean, and I explained to her that he was just sad because no one saw what he needed. She instantly understood and said “Oh he needs a hug!”
are you the guy in the obama care picture with the one-zee pajama on?
are you the guy in the obama care picture with the one-zee pajama on?