How NOT to use

Have you joined my incredibly non-annoying, once-in-a-while email newsletter?

This was sent in as a joke, but sadly, it’s dead on. Publicists: THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO. Understand? Read this. Commit it to memory. THEN DON’T DO ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE IT ON MY LIST.

Thanks to AL for the great farce.

1. QUERYI am looking for Long Islanders 50 and older who are in debt or have been in debt, to interview for a Newsday article.

My client is a 30-year-old bank executive who can talk about how Americans no longer face debt, given today’s booming economy. Please call me.

2. QUERYAs the number of people “pimping their rides,” has increased, so have questions about what is covered in car insurance. I have spoken to many insurers, but now need the other side of the equation.

My client is the leading used car sales company in Edgewater, New Jersey. Used cars are the wave of the future, given today’s sinking economy. Please call me.

3. QUERYI’m working on a piece for about things to look for in a school system when taking a teaching job.

My client owns an arts-and-crafts store that caters to teachers. We have exceptional end-of-year sales in March, which your readers may want to take advantage of, given today’s booming economy. Please call me.

4. QUERYI need someone who can discuss credit card basics, such as choosing a card and managing debt.

My client is the leading manufacturer of ATMs sold to mom-and-pop grocery stores. Did you know that cash is the wave of the future and consumers are opting out of using their credit cards, given today’s sinking economy? Please call me.

5. QUERYI need two experts who can advise parents of tweens and teens about money dilemmas.

My client owns a baby clothes boutique nestled in the heart of Soho.Parents love her charming designs for infant boys and girls, particularly in today’s booming economy. Please call me.

6. QUERYIs there anyone out there who has had a 401(k) since the 1980s? I’d like to hear from 1-2 people who can talk about they’re glad (orunhappy?) that they’ve been investing in their 401(k) all this time.

My client runs the largest 80’s-only karaoke club in all of Bayside, Queens. Karaoke is making a comeback, as it is an inexpensive way to spend a fun evening in today’s sinking economy. Please call me.

7. QUERYI am looking for individuals to talk about their experience with government jobs versus “civilian” jobs.

My client is the President. He’d like to talk to you about today’s booming economy. Please call me.

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