Facebook Event Invitations: Ur Doing it WRONG.

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I had some time to relax this Sunday, so I took my laptop to my balcony, cracked a Diet Pepsi, and took care of some of the mundane tasks we as people on the Internet have to deal with from time to time. I went through my SPAM folder, (the extent to which Gmail’s system keeps improving amazes me) responded to some tag-photo requests, and of course, went through the over 75 Facebook Event Invitations I’ve gotten in the past two weeks.

And wow – We’re pretty much clueless as to how to use them.

I suppose when Facebook was first starting out, the event invitations made a lot of sense. You’d invite everyone in your dorm to your room for a kegger. Was an easy way to do that. Logical.

Unfortunately, we no longer live in the same dorm. Sadly, we also rarely get invited to keggers anymore. And finally, since Facebook is now global in reach, and more importantly, encompasses the personal and professional realm within your “friends,” simply scrolling down and clicking on everyone’s name for your next invite doesn’t cut it anymore.

It would seem that a lot of people, though, are still doing that. And to them, I tell you: “UR DOING IT WRONG.”

So: Top five ways to screw up a Facebook Invite, and probably make yourself look stupid in the process:

5) The “I have no clue as to what you’re doing with your life” Mistake: Real Invite I got last week: “Come join the “How to get your life back in order after a divorce” Conference call! Join in from any phone! We’ll show you how, for only $29.95, you can start your life again, taught by two life coaches who just added the term “life coach” to their business card because it sounded cool!

Really? You know the longest relationship I’ve ever had has been both my cats, right? I’ve never been married, so I sure as hell haven’t been divorced yet. DO YOUR HOMEWORK, don’t just scroll down the list and check off every name you find.

4) The “It looked a lot closer on Google Maps” Mistake “YOU’RE INVITED TO JOE’S 35th BIRTHDAY PARTY, THIS FRIDAY, AT BILLY’S PUB. Address: 108 Blackfriars Rd London, SE1 8HW, United Kingdom. Easily accessible from all Tube lines!

I’m sure it is accessible from all Tube lines. Except, to reach those Tube lines, I’d have to FLY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN, BECAUSE I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY. Know your audience. While it’s nice to invite me, the chances of my hopping a plane to London for a party for someone I haven’t seen in… ever, is… not that great. Not 100% unheard of, but not that great.

3) The super-broad definition of “Event” mistake: You’re invited to “HELP FIND MY DAD A SUBLET, RUNNING FROM NOVEMBER 1 TO MARCH 15th.”

Here’s a tip: Finding your father a sublet, or joining a petition, or anything that requires me to do something but doesn’t require me to go anywhere at a specific time, IS NOT AN EVENT. IT’S A REQUEST. Want to ask me to help you? EMAIL ME.

2) The “Wow, you’re clueless and now just sad” mistake: You’re invited to “LEARN THE BASICS OF BLOGGING AND TWEETING!”

Again – Know your audience. I actually remove people as friends for this one. I’m glad you’re trying to make a few extra pennies, and hey, you’re on Facebook, (sarcasm: ON) of course you’re a social media expert and can teach people how to do what you do, right? (sarcasm: OFF) but seriously – KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. Unless you’re Chris Brogan, I’m not coming to you to learn how to Blog. And if you ARE Chris Brogan, we’re probably presenting this together.

1) The “And the last time we talked was?” mistake (I.e., #s 5 and 3 together mistake): “Please Join me for this fundraiser for my favorite charity,” you can donate from this website.”

The last time we talked was eight months ago, when I wrote “Hello there!” on your wall after you added me as a friend. Then, randomly, I get this warm and fuzzy invite, except when I read it, it’s nothing more than a mass email to everyone in your friend list, asking them all to donate money to your favorite charity, cause, 100-mile walk for whatever. While it’s nice that you’re doing it, if that’s the only time I’m going to hear from you, I’d rather donate from the charity’s home page, lest I reinforce your bad behavior.

What other bad Facebook invite behavior have you seen? Leave it in the comments.

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